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Do they just need space?
We just got back from a killer vacation as a family. We spent our days swimming and building sand castles and our evenings eating good food and strolling. Now that we’re back, I’ve noticed a big change in my kids and I’m not sure how to reset. Raffi is 4.5 and Ali turns 3 this week. They are very sweet kids but all of a sudden have started fighting a lot.
Raffi is also very grumpy/crabby and Ali has been whining a lot. Actually they both have been whining a lot. Raffi has also been talking back to us which is a completely new thing.
They were super spoiled on our vacation with tons of attention. We also said yes to a lot of things we normally wouldn’t. They watched plenty of TV and ate tons of candy. This week is a complete detox from both in many ways, but I didn’t expect this reaction.
For now I’m planning on keeping up with the detox of no TV (except Friday movie night!), no candy, and back to our basic family rules. I’m also trying to give each child enough attention. It has been challenging to do so since we got home as there was plenty of laundry and unpacking to do as well as catching up on work. I’m making a conscious effort though.
They also seem to need space from one another. All of a sudden they seem to get on one another’s nerves. This is a new thing. They seem to annoy each other on purpose and also just generally need space. I’m unsure how to provide that since they share a room and do most activities together. At least Ali has dance which is just her thing and Raffi gets quality time with Trig on dance mornings.
I’m hopeful someone has some advice for us as this is completely new territory for me. Or maybe you’ve been through it with your kids and can help us understand what is going on. While our kids can be rowdy at times, they are usually well-behaved and quite kind to one another. I can’t figure out how to stop this behavior in its tracks as most of my usual tricks aren’t working. It’s obvious that Raffi, especially, is going through something but I can’t figure out what or how to help.
Help?
4 Responses to “Do they just need space?”
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Vacation sounds amazing! Honestly though why don’t you just ask them both why they are fighting? What they are feeling? I bet they can do a great job of telling you what’s going on. Instead of trying to to fix it I would just let them try to solve their own conflicts as much as possible. Sportscast what’s happening, be attune to their feelings, stop them if they get physical, but otherwise let it play out. It’s important for them to learn how to navigate conflicts on their own!
That’s a good point about letting them learn how to navigate conflicts. I honestly think they just have had too much time together with no space or privacy from one another. When I ask them he says that she keeps taking his toys that he was playing with and she is talking too loudly. When I ask her she says she is being mean because he isn’t listening and needs to listen.
We love vacation, but try to keep up routines and eating habits while on vacation. It ends up working out MUCH better, because the kids are already used to their routines, so it’s of no surprise to them – we mostly cook, we pack sandwiches and fruit for the beach, we eat at the table together with no TV, and we keep a fairly decent bedtime (which has never been a problem because the kids are wiped out by then). We never bring any candy or treats that we wouldn’t normally have around the house – so we’ll bring some dark chocolate, lots of popcorn, lots of fruit, some Yummy Earth lollipops and a case of Honest drink packs (because they are easy to pack around). We keep our rules of cleaning up after ourselves, washing our dishes, making our beds before leaving for the beach. We also try to get a place that has a washer and dryer so we can kind of do a wash of clothes and towels before we come home. It’s still a vacation, it’s still loads of fun in the sun and swimming and spending quality time together… but it’s also comforting that when we get home we don’t have to knuckle down so hard for several weeks to bring things back to something normal. The kids are never under the illusion that “everything goes”. We keep the fun, while still keeping our core values in order… and when we get home we are still in good shape.
As far as the kids fighting, that’s what they do. They are figuring out what they like and what they don’t like… and what one may like, the other may not (probably not). They are learning how to deal with conflict, and how to protect their space. This is learned by kind of letting them settle their differences themselves. Of course, you can interfere if it gets totally out of hand – but some exchanged snappy words and maybe a tiny bit of physical contact is expected, if they get to hitting and pulling hair, then you can kind of step in and ask them to talk about their feelings with each other, and how the situation could have better been handled. Especially if you have some that share a room. Kids need personal time for themselves, to relax and to think. Even if it’s just for 15 or 20 minutes to decompress. Each kid has their own love language, and that could clash with a sibling. They will learn to speak each other’s language, and even use that against one another. Again, it’s them learning about communication and how to relate to another person, communicate their feelings, what buttons they can push and how to “manipulate” to get the reaction they are looking for (I know that sounds harsh, but we manipulate every day, it just has many different names). It’s all just learning to them. they have to test out all of the paths, and pick out which one they feel the most comfortable to travel. At this age of 3 & 4, it’s your job to give suggestions and to gently navigate, but they are making their own decisions now and forming good solid opinions – we can only guide them in the acceptable directions and be consistent.
This is such great advice. Thank you so much.