I am feeling a bit nostalgic and emotional right now.
My cousin is visiting and we have been having a rather lovely time. For some reason I miss my mom a lot today. I did something I haven’t done in years- I mentioned my mom and I said, oh my mom IS from Italy and HAS a strong accent. It just sort of slipped out, and I felt really awkward and sad afterward.
Sometimes I forget that she has passed away, and all of that sadness seems just like a distant dream. It’s like I block the sadness from having ever existed. Every few years or so I do something strange like the above and completely forget. Once I even called her old cell phone number to share great news with her and when a male answered I was so startled.
I don’t know why that happens. Truly wishful thinking. Hopeful.
My life is really so wonderful- I am so blessed and lucky and it seems that in so many ways she has caused it all to happen. Some things just turn out so right and so perfect that it could be no other way.
She passed away eight and a half years ago. How does time pass like that? I haven’t been to visit her grave site in at least four. I try to, but I always find a way out of it. I think I am afraid to face that sadness. I was afraid to leave Rhode Island for fear that her memories would fade without driving by them all the time, but nothing has changed. The memories that have always been strong are as strong as they have ever been. The blocked ones are still blocked. I don’t know why I can’t remember some things. If I think too hard about her not being here for my dad, for my brother, for my aunt, for me, for herself… I feel like I can’t breathe.
I forgot what she smells like, but her laugh is there deep in my heart every time I need to feel warm.
I don’t know why I am sharing this.
I am usually much more private in my tears.